and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
