I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Dignity is for republicans.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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