I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
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