my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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