Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
