: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Randomize
