So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
