you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
