I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I need to sanitize my soul.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
