My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
