someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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