hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Still dying that you shit outside
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
