this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
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