4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
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