I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Randomize
