did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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