glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
