I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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