mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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