Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
