Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Randomize
