Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Randomize
