I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
