Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
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