I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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