when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
