There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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