someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
