when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
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