$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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