biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
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