That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Randomize
