Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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