The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
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