He is such a slut. More and more my type.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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