theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
