god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
