I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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