i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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