I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize