News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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