i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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