i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Redeem this text for a blowjob
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
