I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Randomize
