There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
