It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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