I'd wear matching sweaters with you
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
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