I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize
