I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
