Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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