My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
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