all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
