I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
