my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize