dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
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