Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
