happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Randomize