I cannot find my penis.
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
