i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Randomize
