I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
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