please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
